Even today, after not having posted anything here in what feels like years, I've had 6 visitors. That's cool.

Dear Emma

 

Tonight I had set my alarm to go off at 03.45 AM. It was because I wanted to share a few text messages more before my girlfriend Emma got on her flight and went on a holiday. Her going on a holiday means it’ll be more expensive to send text messages, and so we’ll try to send less of them the following week from now. I unfortunately fell a bit asleep during the text messaging. Not really weird, as I fell asleep two hours before I was waken up again. If I had slept through the whole thing up until now, it would be less than 8 hours of sleep, so I guess I haven’t been sleeping a lot tonight, since I’ve gone on my computer to write a blog post now.

 

The bad thing is, that I fell too hard to wake up again around 6 AM, so when she got on her flight, I didn’t get to tell her that I love her. I didn’t get to tell her, as I’ve always told her before, that she mustn’t die and that the flight must go well. I didn’t get to reply to her three last messages. I didn’t get to tell her the most important thing in the whole wide world to me; I didn’t get to tell her that I love her.

 

I know it’s silly of me to think this way, but I’m really sad now and having a really bad conscience about not letting her know all these things. I feel that if her plane crashes, it will be my fault in a way, and it will also be horrible to know that if that happens and if she dies, she may have thought the last minute she was alive that I didn’t care enough to stay awake and perhaps that I didn’t love her. And I DO care enough and I DO love her! But it’s easy to fall asleep when you wait for a reply.

 

She really means the world to me. Without her, I wouldn’t be here. She saved my life the day we started talking together, which we’ve done every single day for the last two and a half years (and 17 days to be precise). She’s saved my life so many times, I really don’t know where I’d be without her. I’m in tears over the thought of that I might lose her now.

 

Emma, I love you

Let Me Show You The World In My Eyes

Title: Depeche Mode – World In My Eyes

 

Sometimes here in life, you might think it’s a good idea to take a break from something. It might just happen by chance, or it may be a decision you’ve been thinking thoroughly through. Either way, the outcome may be, as predicted, a good idea to cut loose. Other times, you’re in the jam I believe to be in right now. I’m just so fucking tired of not having somewhere to be able to express all my frustration in.

 

I’ve come to this idea, that the longer you live, the worse are the kicks to your groin (figuratively speaking). They get harder and harder each and everytime, and when you think you’ve just recovered from the last one, then there is a new one coming right towards you.Lately, I’ve been in more of a screwdriver. It’s not so that the pain is instantly horrific, but it doesn’t end. It’s constantly there, and the longer it stays, the worse you’re feeling.

 

That’s really where you’ve got me now. It’s not that what I’m frustrated about is so much worse than anything I’ve felt before, but it’s the fact that it doesn’t come in one kick, just occassionally are there kicks towards my balls in this screwdriver. I’m so sick of all the nagging about having to rehearse more with my driving, the fact that my entire family seems to be following and asking each and every day how it’s going with my job hunting, how much my dad seems to interfere with my grades and just the fact of that EVERYTHING that my family seems to be talking to me about lately, is just nagging, nagging and more nagging about things I want to take breaks off from, but they just won’t fucking let me!

 

I feel like all this is just making me more and more tired, so though I’ve slept ten hours tonight, I still have a hard time doing anything today, because I’m so tired of everything. Being tired this way also makes me have a hard time enjoying ANYTHING! This is why I love spending time with my girlfriend lately, because she really can brighten up my day and make me enjoy something in life again. Not sure how (or if) I’d survive if she wasn’t there for me.

Let It Roll All Night Long

Title: The Doors – Roadhouse Blues

 

I don’t think most people in this world really have enough to say, to really blog as often as they do. Either I’m right, or I’m really just not getting how much you really should pour out in this world. I really don’t think you’re interested in reading about my daily outfit or what I ate for breakfast or what colour I’m thinking of. Neither do I think you’re interested in knowing that John Mayer listens to B.B.King’s “Live At The Regal” before doing a live show or such information. I really don’t think so, otherwise, I’d probably give you all these sorts of information daily. But I don’t, so unless someone out there comments me wrong here, I’m going to keep having this thought and follow that.

 

It feels like a lot of things are happening in my life. Almost like if something new is supposed to happen every single day. Of course, at the age I am, I’m supposed to be able to handle this easily, but it would be better if I had a bit more training with this during the last five years or so. I used to be a lot with friends and do a lot of stuff, but haven’t been up to these kinds of things the last five years. The closest is spending time with my girlfriend because of the travelling we have to go through to make that happen, but that’s still not the same thing. Anyways, if you’re not getting my point, I’m getting tired. I’m especially tired of being nagged about having to rehearse my driving all the fucking time. REALLY tired of that one. I shouldn’t have said yes to start driving again at the time I did.

 

To be quite honest, I’m as good as done with school now. It’s a hard feeling, since I always feel it being hard to quit or change a school. I’ll get through it, of course, but kind of hard and just weird not to be seeing the same people anymore. You get used to seeing the same people day after day, listening in on other people’s conversations, having a spot of your own in that specific society or community, if you’d like. It was easier to change school last time, because a lot of the same people were going to go to the same school I was starting, but now, now I’m not going to a new school. I’m going to try to make a worker out of me. Move out, start working. I’ll basically change everything in how my life is today. New profession, new city, new responsibility, new home, new way of meeting my girlfriend, new people.

Superwoman And Glassman

Who is this man in the mirror? I can no longer seem to recognize him. Not quite. But still, there’s something familar about him. He seems like someone I once knew. Someone who once smiled everyday and didn’t have a single sorrow or care in the world. This can’t be the same man. The man I’m seeing now, has big bags under his eyes. They are purple…ish. His caring wrinkles in his forehead, are well used. And he seems to be carrying some sort of burden.

 

No, this cannot be that same man. He is so serious. Even when he’s smiling, there’s something serious and dark and haunted about him. His cheeks are also too skinny. Too skinny and too untrained for the smiles this boy I remember once. This boy who had cheekbones made from steel from all his smiling. He used to take care of all sorts of people, both popular and unpopular, and tried to make everyone exploit their full potential. Now it seems like he’s the one in need of this. No, this man in the mirror is not the same person, I’m thinking about.

 

But still, there seems to be some kind of child within him, who’s just too afraid to come out. As if too many bad things have happened to him over the years to actually dare make an entrance. This little child within him who unwillingly makes him smile everytime he sees a baby. This child who wanted so badly to become a big brother. Eventually, that little child realized it was probably for the best that he was a lonely child. He wasn’t exactly thinking back at his childhood with great joy at the ending of it. The thing he remember the most, was the missing. The wanting to have a father around. So he hid under his father’s desk around the time he knew his father would come home, just so he could leap out and at least know that he would bump into his dad. But it wasn’t before years later that his father had any time to him. It was first when he had learned to be tough and manage on his own that his father had time for advices and started meddling into every aspect of the young boy’s life.

 

This man I see in the mirror is a damaged man. A glass man. A glass man whose glass just keeps hardening for every day. Sometimes, it breaks, but he slowly repairs it. Not as good as it was, but he repairs it. He’s worried about so many things in his own little glass world. More than anything is he afriaid something would happen to his girl. The girl of his dreams. The only girl in the world. The girl who happened to be the only one to make him feel less broken. This girl that keeps on helping him, making him stronger and happier, for every day of his life. This girl who is now his family. She is the reason he still gets out of bed every day in the morning. She is there to protect him at all time. She is always there for him. She is his superwoman. And he loves her with all the love he could possibly manage to squeeze out of his heart. He lives for her.

Junko Partner

Oh, down the road came poor little Junco
Boys, he was loaded as he could be
The poor man was knocked out, knocked out and loaded
And he was wobblin' all over the street.

I heard him singing six months ain't no sentence
He said one year was not no time
He said he had friends still in Angola
Serving from fourteen to ninety-nine

You know, when he had plenty of money
He had a friend all over town
He says he's been broke, dirty, and hungry
Not a single friend can be found

Well, a poor man pawned his white-handled pistol
Oh he bought, yeah, a diamond ring
He tried to pawn the woman he was lovin'
But the poor girl couldn't sign her name

He said give him water when he gets thirsty
Tell him that water is mighty fine when you're dry
Give him a tink, yeah, when he gets sickly
Give him the graveyard if he dies

 

This is the lyrics to Dr. John’s version of “Junko Partner”, but both Dr. John’s and The Clash’s versions are definitely worth listening to of this fine song. I haven’t heard any other versions yet, sadly, but I’ll try to listen to some more later today (like Professor Longhair, whose work I admire quite a lot)

When I Get To New Orleans…

Title: Professor Longhair – Mardi Gras In New Orleans

 

I dream of just running away from my life and closing myself in in a house in New Orleans, listening to all the music I wish was still present. This new music isn’t really for me. I liked music better back before rock’n’roll was made. Or maybe it’s just that none of the most “mainstream” music genres really are for me. Maybe I’m not really supposed to listen to rock, techno, hip hop and all those other things you listen to. By the way, rock = indie, alternative, “alternative and punk”.

 

Of course, I’m not just talking about music here, I’m using metaphors. I don’t feel like a normal person. I’m not normal either. I don’t feel at home really anywhere for a long time. Home is where you can be yourself at all time and you don’t have to be afraid. Lately, I’ve been feeling New Orleans to be my home city. I feel like that is where I belong. It’s…complicated. But I guess I can explain it with the simple fact of that it’s not as documented and it’s more…okay for me to do mistakes there. I can do them, and no one will care. Actually, in my mind, THEY WILL CARE! But they will say “Hey, everyone does mistakes, now get up and let’s pretend it didn’t happen”, if you understand what I’m saying? It’s what I need. Instead of people laughing at your mistakes, hanging them over your head for years to come, saying you really shouldn’t try to think anything great of yourself at the same time as they’re saying you have all the means in the world to achieve something great (and then why don’t you?), I need a place where I can feel safe.

 

I’ve been growing up in a home where I may have feel safe during the first two years of my life, but after I turned three, I believe I haven’t really felt completely “safe” at “home”. I guess the closest to that safety I’m talking about, I’ve found at my grandma’s, but I visit her like two times a year because she lives so far away, and even there I don’t feel completely safe and completely able to be myself. I know there is a “myself” as I’m talking about from being left home alone for like a week or two. I didn’t feel completely safe and comfortable with being myself to the fullest even then.

 

I feel quite comfortable and safe in the company of my girlfriend, but not completely. I guess this sort of is related to her changes of mood and the fact of that I never really know if she’s on my side on each point of a matter or not. But everywhere feels a bit more like this “home” I’m striving towards with her. Staying with her all alone, is really close to this “home”. But it’s just…I’ve got some barriers to break down before I’m there.

 

I’ve been messed up. I know my dad’s messed me up good, and made me basically a quite awkward person in quite a large amount of matters. In spite of this, I also believe he’s the reason I’ve found the friends I have. Perhaps not all of them, but he’s probably the reason my friends from school are mainly either awkward people in need of some social help (which I sort of provide) or they are bossy, mean, hard and tough guys, who I’ll always seek some kind of recognition with. I want my father to give me some kind of recognition, which is probably why I get these kinds of friends. My dad isn’t exactly that kind of type. He might some day say he’s proud of me, but quite frankly, I’m not expecting it before he’s on his deathbed.

Too Old For This World

I’m stuck in a world I’m too old for. I have too conservative thoughts, but I feel like I’ve figured out the world already. The big questions, I feel like I’ve got the answer for everything. At the same time, it’s like I’m the only one who actually thinks the way I do and agree with me. I said in the post before that I was generally doing fine lately, but to be honest with you, it very much indeed depends on the day. The world isn’t for me. It’s for someone else. But I’ll stay here anyways.

I Don’t Wanna Shout

Title: The Clash – London Calling

 

I like this song. Though I feel a slight resentment towards everything British lately, and more a belonging to America, I can’t help but to like some of the British music. I feel more and more trapped and feel like it’s harder and harder to breathe lately. It just feels like more and more things are forbidden and there are more and more chores for me to do, but I just don’t know how to accomplish them, so I end up basically just…ignoring it all. Don’t get me wrong, I HAVE tried at times, and I try something each day, but I just don’t feel like anything is ever good enough and that the things I’m pushing forward is too important to be forgotten. They are not really forgotten though. It’s more like they are just things I wish would solve themselves.

 

Other than that, I feel fine. Basically. I mean, I’m tired a lot, but I don’t cry each day anymore. That’s good. Big improvement. The damn problem with work, is that I want a job that really isn’t ALL THAT easy to achieve, and I’m not really sure who supports me and who doesn’t. It may end up being “a lonely, lonely road” (Daniel Lioneye, “Lonely Road”), but there’s nothing I want more than to work as an artist, and I really hope I can do exactly that some day. It feels like my mind and soul lately want me to run away to the South of America. To be precise, it seems like I want to go to New Orleans. I like their music. It’s so loose and free and it’s really just about having a good time.

 

Every time I hear someone’s got something to tell me, I can feel my heart pounding like a ship.

 

It feels like I’m really numb in a way lately. Numb and…happy about being in my own little bubble, doing what I want, whenever I have the opportunity to it, which seems to be a lot to write. I like to write and deal with music lately. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve refound the pleasure I’ve always in a way found in writing. I just feel it’s been a bit gone lately, because it seems like none of my teachers really enjoy my style of writing anymore. But everyone’s got an individual style, right? Right. I even want to write factual texts. I’ve considered making a sort of WordPress-blog that works as a newspaper. Though I can’t write about all cases in the world, I could cover the most important/interesting ones.

 

I somehow turned into a bit of a screw up, didn’t I?

I’ve appealed to Google AdSense

Now I’ve appealed to Google AdSense, in hope that they will take me back. Hopefully, they will, but I’m not sure how valuable I am to them yet. The problem is, that I’ve been holding back on blogging and YouTubeing and such BECAUSE I lack Google AdSense, and therefore I won’t seem much like a “catch” before they take me back. It’s a vicious circle.

 

If they do, then PLEASE people, DO NOT press the adverts just for fun! Only click them if they have something of interest to you, not because you want to earn me money or want something to do! I really want it back and DON’T want to lose it again.