Dear Emma

 

Tonight I had set my alarm to go off at 03.45 AM. It was because I wanted to share a few text messages more before my girlfriend Emma got on her flight and went on a holiday. Her going on a holiday means it’ll be more expensive to send text messages, and so we’ll try to send less of them the following week from now. I unfortunately fell a bit asleep during the text messaging. Not really weird, as I fell asleep two hours before I was waken up again. If I had slept through the whole thing up until now, it would be less than 8 hours of sleep, so I guess I haven’t been sleeping a lot tonight, since I’ve gone on my computer to write a blog post now.

 

The bad thing is, that I fell too hard to wake up again around 6 AM, so when she got on her flight, I didn’t get to tell her that I love her. I didn’t get to tell her, as I’ve always told her before, that she mustn’t die and that the flight must go well. I didn’t get to reply to her three last messages. I didn’t get to tell her the most important thing in the whole wide world to me; I didn’t get to tell her that I love her.

 

I know it’s silly of me to think this way, but I’m really sad now and having a really bad conscience about not letting her know all these things. I feel that if her plane crashes, it will be my fault in a way, and it will also be horrible to know that if that happens and if she dies, she may have thought the last minute she was alive that I didn’t care enough to stay awake and perhaps that I didn’t love her. And I DO care enough and I DO love her! But it’s easy to fall asleep when you wait for a reply.

 

She really means the world to me. Without her, I wouldn’t be here. She saved my life the day we started talking together, which we’ve done every single day for the last two and a half years (and 17 days to be precise). She’s saved my life so many times, I really don’t know where I’d be without her. I’m in tears over the thought of that I might lose her now.

 

Emma, I love you

Let Me Show You The World In My Eyes

Title: Depeche Mode – World In My Eyes

 

Sometimes here in life, you might think it’s a good idea to take a break from something. It might just happen by chance, or it may be a decision you’ve been thinking thoroughly through. Either way, the outcome may be, as predicted, a good idea to cut loose. Other times, you’re in the jam I believe to be in right now. I’m just so fucking tired of not having somewhere to be able to express all my frustration in.

 

I’ve come to this idea, that the longer you live, the worse are the kicks to your groin (figuratively speaking). They get harder and harder each and everytime, and when you think you’ve just recovered from the last one, then there is a new one coming right towards you.Lately, I’ve been in more of a screwdriver. It’s not so that the pain is instantly horrific, but it doesn’t end. It’s constantly there, and the longer it stays, the worse you’re feeling.

 

That’s really where you’ve got me now. It’s not that what I’m frustrated about is so much worse than anything I’ve felt before, but it’s the fact that it doesn’t come in one kick, just occassionally are there kicks towards my balls in this screwdriver. I’m so sick of all the nagging about having to rehearse more with my driving, the fact that my entire family seems to be following and asking each and every day how it’s going with my job hunting, how much my dad seems to interfere with my grades and just the fact of that EVERYTHING that my family seems to be talking to me about lately, is just nagging, nagging and more nagging about things I want to take breaks off from, but they just won’t fucking let me!

 

I feel like all this is just making me more and more tired, so though I’ve slept ten hours tonight, I still have a hard time doing anything today, because I’m so tired of everything. Being tired this way also makes me have a hard time enjoying ANYTHING! This is why I love spending time with my girlfriend lately, because she really can brighten up my day and make me enjoy something in life again. Not sure how (or if) I’d survive if she wasn’t there for me.

Let It Roll All Night Long

Title: The Doors – Roadhouse Blues

 

I don’t think most people in this world really have enough to say, to really blog as often as they do. Either I’m right, or I’m really just not getting how much you really should pour out in this world. I really don’t think you’re interested in reading about my daily outfit or what I ate for breakfast or what colour I’m thinking of. Neither do I think you’re interested in knowing that John Mayer listens to B.B.King’s “Live At The Regal” before doing a live show or such information. I really don’t think so, otherwise, I’d probably give you all these sorts of information daily. But I don’t, so unless someone out there comments me wrong here, I’m going to keep having this thought and follow that.

 

It feels like a lot of things are happening in my life. Almost like if something new is supposed to happen every single day. Of course, at the age I am, I’m supposed to be able to handle this easily, but it would be better if I had a bit more training with this during the last five years or so. I used to be a lot with friends and do a lot of stuff, but haven’t been up to these kinds of things the last five years. The closest is spending time with my girlfriend because of the travelling we have to go through to make that happen, but that’s still not the same thing. Anyways, if you’re not getting my point, I’m getting tired. I’m especially tired of being nagged about having to rehearse my driving all the fucking time. REALLY tired of that one. I shouldn’t have said yes to start driving again at the time I did.

 

To be quite honest, I’m as good as done with school now. It’s a hard feeling, since I always feel it being hard to quit or change a school. I’ll get through it, of course, but kind of hard and just weird not to be seeing the same people anymore. You get used to seeing the same people day after day, listening in on other people’s conversations, having a spot of your own in that specific society or community, if you’d like. It was easier to change school last time, because a lot of the same people were going to go to the same school I was starting, but now, now I’m not going to a new school. I’m going to try to make a worker out of me. Move out, start working. I’ll basically change everything in how my life is today. New profession, new city, new responsibility, new home, new way of meeting my girlfriend, new people.